I believe

When Reuben was born and I made my first failed attempt to move I was upset but assumed it was something that would right itself within the hour. When it got worse not better, mild panic set in. Nobody was able to say what was wrong, there was lots of guess work and hopeful comments about how it should "ease soon" but as that first day went on and the pain got worse, the faces of the medics became less optimistic and more confused. 

I couldn't walk, I couldn't sit myself up without help, I needed someone to lift each of my legs to even move on the bed; rolling over was literally impossible.

Despair threatened to set in. I kept saying to Vianney over and over, "but we have Noah. I can't be like this. This can't be it". We were both really scared.

When I was moved from the delivery room to the gorgeous room where we would be staying for as long as we needed we unpacked more of the contents of the hospital bag and I found the promise cards I had made a few weeks earlier. When I had made them i had asked God which bible verses I should use and then written them each out. As I read through each one hope began to rise. One after the other the scriptures were speaking directly into our situation. I started to believe God may actually be telling me He was going to heal this, whatever it was that had happened. Not just hope it half-heartedly but truly believe. I certainly knew He *could* heal me, having experienced miraculous healing from long term illness following Noah's birth. Whether He *would* or not was what I had no assurance of until this point.

The scriptures God used were these: 

"God, the Lord, is my strength; He makes my feet like the deer's; He makes me tread on my high places"

"Fear not for I am with you.... I will strengthen you, yes I will help you. I will uphold you with the right hand of my righteousness."

Not long after finding these promises and praying tearfully that they really were Jesus speaking to me about healing, a physiotherapist came to visit me. She had come to talk about something completely different after the birth but as soon as she saw me she started to ask about my pain and what had happened in delivery. For the first time since Reuben had arrived here was somebody who might actually know what had gone wrong in my body. The other medics had been lovely, don't get me wrong, trying and trying to figure it out but an obstetrician, an anaesthetist and many midwives had been stumped. This lady however launched straight into helping me. Helping Vianney find ways to get me across the room to the bathroom, helping me to identify exactly what hurt where and what it was triggered by each time.

She returned the following morning having done her research and was able to successfully diagnose that I had a sacroiliac joint injury and a possible dislocated or fractured pelvis. Only time would show which of the second two it was but there was no doubt about the sacroiliac joint. She then set about teaching me ways to regain even some slight mobility, including getting me a walking fame, ice packs and a crutch. She was beyond incredible at her job and it was only because of her help and support (teaching me a way to manage the stairs to be able to get me home even) that we were able to leave hospital. She has been in touch on the phone a couple of times since and continued to give amazing practical advice.

I believe she was an answer to our initial prayers even though we didn't know we were praying for her. She gave me confidence, pain relief and strategies. She told us that the prognosis was that the pain would likely remain acute for at least two weeks and that the injury would take around six weeks to begin to heal. It was overwhelming but a whole lot better than the permanent paralysis I was envisioning that first twenty four hours.

The time since we arrived home has been a roller coaster of emotions: utter relief at Reuben being here with us and completely healthy and delight and joy as we soak him in. Alongside this I've had my wobbles, freaking out when the pain just wouldn't ease, getting super frustrated at needing Vianney to lift my legs, pass me every little thing and help me even to plug a phone charger in!

However the overriding and most overwhelming thing has been the presence of God with us in this whole ride. Vianney and I have cried out to God together like we've only done a handful of times in our lives. We have held onto His promises and onto the ways we have seen Him work over and over in our life together before. We've felt so incredibly prayed for by family and friends and we know not one prayer goes unheard. 

I have been especially encouraged and blessed by the following worship songs and really felt the power of their truth...

"Should I ever be abandoned 

Should I ever be acclaimed 

Should I ever be surrounded 

By the fire and the flame 

There’s name I will remember 

There’s a name I will proclaim 

Let it be, let it be Jesus."

(Let it be Jesus, Christy Nockels)

"Far be it from me to not believe,
Even when my eyes can't see.
And this mountain that's in front of me,
Will be thrown into the midst of the sea.

Through it all, through it all, my eyes are on you.
Through it all, through it all, it is well.

So let go my soul and trust in Him. The waves and wind still know His name.

It is well with my soul."

(It is well, Bethel)

"You hold my every moment

You calm my raging seas

You walk with me through fire

And heal all my disease

I trust in You, 

Lord I trust in You.

I believe You're my healer

I believe You are all I need.

I believe you're my portion,

I believe you're more than enough for me.

Jesus you're all I need. 

Nothing is impossible for You

You hold my world in Your hands."

(Healer, Kari Jobe)

Look them up on YouTube, they're beautiful.

I'm sorry to bible bash but I'm also not sorry! I believe Jesus has begun the healing work He has been promising and based on the progress and pain reduction already I really really believe I am going to be regaining full movement sooner than the medics ever thought I could. Not because of anything I've done or am doing (far from it) but because Jesus really is a healer. He really is alive. And as unbelievable as that is to some, I can't deny the reality of what is happening. 

Yesterday I was almost pain-free in my back at times (where the pain was worst just a few days ago). The front of my pelvis is still very uncomfortable and my movement remains restricted but even so, yesterday I walked without the frame from our room to our bathroom. I stood up holding Reuben. This was inconceivable even on Sunday. Something is happening and it is happening way faster than it "should" be.

And I know who is responsible. And I won't stop thanking Him! This too shall pass, and I will give Him all the glory for that.