Hope of Healing

The last few weeks have been a rollercoaster for me personally. You would be safe to assume that I'm referring to our fairly significant house (and life!) move but actually no, I'm back to harping on about my pain again. 

Feel free to check out here. After over two years of hearing about it now, i wouldn't blame you. If you do have it in you to stick around for a few paragraphs though, you're very welcome. 

Around the time we moved house, I began to notice that I was generally in less pain. This made my heart skip and I allowed myself to test it out, just a little activity at a time: a food shop actually pushing a trolley, a short walk around the block. 

Moving day itself was no small accomplishment; I remember at the end of that evening as I collapsed into bed, I thought to myself that I really ought to be in more pain. I was tired and achy and of course my usual trigger points for pain were very glad of the lie-down, but wouldn't that be the case for anyone who had undertaken a big move with small children? (and a dog. We remembered to bring the dog!)

I thanked God and fell asleep, fully expecting the effects to hit me the next day. But they didn't. Another busy 18 hours followed but still no significant spasms or familiar pain. And again the following day.

I started asking God, "was this the healing you spoke to me about when you asked us to make this huge move"? And He didn't say no....

Ten days after we moved house, we travelled the four hours to my parents' for my brother's wedding. The wedding was like a miracle for me, and not just a small one. I lasted all day and all evening, standing, sitting on various chairs and even venturing onto the dance floor for a brief spell. I genuinely couldn't ever have imagined managing that just a few weeks previously. It was emotional and the hope began not only to rise but to soar that night.

By a few weeks into this new era of reduced pain and increased capacity, I was practically giddy. I would get tired and the discomfort would flare but it was rarely on the same level as it had been. Only once or twice did I need my long-suffering husband to inflict the treatment my physio taught him in the summer of 2015. It's a technique used to stop oxygen supply to the muscle causing the biggest issues, so that it would stop spasming and effectively 'twang' (good word, that!) back into a more relaxed state. It's more painful than it sounds but can bring relief. It used to be at least a once daily requirement so to only need it a handful of times was INCREDIBLE progress.

I believed God was healing me. Even my physio said she was starting to think the same. She could not believe when I turned up after the house move and the wedding. She admitted she was expecting me to arrive in need of both physical and emotional support after all i had put my poor body through. When she saw me and we talked, she was confident enough to say it looked like the original injury had been 'cured'. Now it was time for strengthening exercises and to trust that the pain I was still experiencing was that of muscles needing to recover and regain strength.

And then, just as I started to tell people that I was on the up, that my God had come through like I knew He could, boom! A massive flare up of the pelvic pain, both joints and muscles. I may have massively overdone it with my overzealous way of jumping back in at the deep end.

The pain was back with a vengeance, but what tipped me over the edge was the confusion. The bible says, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life.” (Proverbs 13:12) and that was exactly how it felt. All the hope I had felt rising up suddenly gave way to confusion. 

"But God, why?? I had told people who scoff at your very existence that you had begun a miracle in me. And now what? Have I given them just one more reason to doubt you, mock you even?"

I also felt like a fraud. Could I have made myself think I was better when I wasn't? The answer is no, by the way. But tell that to the emotional, sleep-deprived wreck, who had run out of anti-inflammatories! 

I was gutted. My emotional response was probably over dramatic. I think I know deep down that God is big enough to take care of His own renown, His own reputation. And that this pain is far from psychological. But so much emotion is tied up in it all, I guess it was natural to feel extreme disappointment. It was like I had been offered a taste of life in a more normal form and then told, "oh but not quite yet" just as it touched my lips.

And that's how I feel again today. I now understand that what I've had/am having is a "flare-up", something to be expected in this recovery and strengthening process that my very wonderful physio had spoken about. She remains calm, still convinced that I'm very much on the right path. Me? When this pain hits, not so calm! 

So what about God healing me? Well, I still believe He is. Yes, I've hit stumbling blocks. Yes, the very real pain is getting me down this week. Yes, I have questions. But ultimately, I know my faithful Father. He has plans waaaaaay way above our own. 

I guess I wanted to share this stage of the journey, the same way I've shared other stages, because I want to be real. I don't want to pretend to those people who don't know Jesus, that it's all roses and there are never questions. If we knew everything and understood the purpose behind it all, we would be God. And I'm certainly not! 

I also want to be sure to give HIM the glory for any and all progress that has been made. Yes, physio helps. Yes, painkillers help. Yes, massage helps. But God gave all of those skills to the people who use them and has led me to just the right people, providing funds many times for that to be possible. He's a practical God. I just want to be clear that, at every stage on this painful journey, He has shown Himself to be worthy of my trust. 

We wouldn't have chosen or made the plan for our house move of our own accord. It was flipping painful. But my goodness, even just eight weeks in, we see Jesus all over it. This was no accident. 

In the same way, we truly believe that where God has spoken about healing, He knows the very best way and the very best timing in which to do it. I'm okay with leaving that part in His capable hands.