Since realising that the problems in my sacroiliac joint specifically are causing subsequent problems in the muscles that connect it to my leg and hips (they are pretty much constantly in spasm now), my physio has taught me some "self-care" (self-torture) exercises; attempting to ease muscle spasm using this ball is one of them.
It hurts.
A lot.
The thing is though, lately it all just hurts a lot, much of the time. This isn't a whinge, just a factual account. I know I declared boldly my certainty of God's healing in the early stages of this journey and I don't want anyone thinking that I've changed my mind or realised I had got that all wrong. That it turns out Jesus doesn't heal after all and so I had better just go quiet on the subject and hope nobody notices.
No, He heals. I'm living proof. In this experience and in previous experiences too. I know, deep deep down in the surest places of my heart, that He healed me from M.E. Not just once either; He healed me miraculously twice.
And I believe, along with Vianney, that He healed me in the early stages of this injury.
(See the following for a reminder: http://dailyrainbows.blogspot.com/2015/05/reuben.html and http://dailyrainbows.blogspot.com/2015/05/i-believe.html)
My physiotherapist commented again, even this week, that the severity of the initial injury cannot be underestimated and it is still astounding to her (and to me) the extent of the improvement in those first weeks. There is no doubt in my mind that that was down to Jesus, and to prayer.
I am grateful that He got me on my feet again. Literally.
I am grateful to be able to walk and to drive, albeit minimal distances.
I am grateful that I began to be able to change nappies after just a few weeks. Yes, really. Nappy changes are precious!!
I am grateful that I can go up and down stairs and roll over in my bed and get from sitting to standing without searing pain.
There is sadly a long way to go still though. I can do all those things I listed above, but they hurt. There's a pretty much constant dull pain and in the past few weeks especially that pain has gone up a few notches. It's less "dull" that's for sure. We've been waiting for X-rays and other appointments and feeling that we are going backwards, not forwards. I find myself snapping far too easily and getting frustrated at the pain and all that I can't do. Nothing can undo the incredible improvements we saw in that first month or so, but it is undeniable the effects that the pain and limitations are having on our daily life.
Tonight is a good example. We need baby wipes and, having been stuck home for over a week with Noah so ill, I decided I would volunteer to go out and buy the wipes. It's come to something when a short shopping trip is an attractive thought, just for some head space! However, I drove halfway to the supermarket I was aiming for and had to come home, simply because the pain shooting down into my leg was overwhelming and I could barely face the full drive let alone the walk inside the shop. That is not great. Some days aren't quite as bad as this but I never know how each one will be.
So I'm lying here contorting myself around this "therapeutic tennis ball" (!) and I'm thinking. What's this all about? Because yes, Reuben is worth every last second of this pain-of course he is-but it would be really lovely if it would ease up a bit more now. Even as I'm thinking though, positive stuff is coming to mind. What an eloquent statement that is!
"Stuff": so descriptive.
Well, "stuff" includes first and foremost my full reliance on God being challenged and reinforced again. It's funny how quickly we think we can do it all in our own strength isn't it. It's sometimes dangerous when we can, when we don't think we really need God. When He says His power is made perfect in our weakness, I believe this is the kind of thing He's talking about. I can certainly relate to Paul's words in 2 Corinthians 12:
“Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.”
(2 Corinthians 12:8-9)
As countless people have said over the years, it's a beautiful thing that we don't know what Paul's thorn in the flesh actually was because it can be related to so many different situations, pains and struggles when we don't know specifically what he was living with.
The truth of his words is enough: when we are weak, we feel we are less. And when we are less, we leave more room for God to do what only He can. As I type this right now, the pain is honestly almost unbearable but I truly believe that God is using it somehow. Nothing is wasted with Him, not one tear, not one moment of pain.
More "stuff" that's come out of this painful time: people. Amazing friendships which were already pretty special have just gone from strength to strength as the wonderful people around us not only tell us they're there for us but they actually *are*. They say you don't find out who your true friends are until the rubber his the road and I don't know if that is entirely true but I know that difficult times certainly seem to have knack for showing us just how blessed we are with our family and friends.
In the early days, we both felt absolutely sure - convicted even - that we needed to pray for healing. It was black and white; we had to have faith in our healing God and in the power of the name of Jesus, and we had to pray with the authority that His name has. There was no doubt. And we were, and still are, grateful beyond words for how He answered us then.
While we continue to pray for the complete healing we would so dearly love to see (oh my word would I be skipping!) we feel strongly that our focus needs to be on trusting Him and leaning on Him and nothing else. Whether or not He "fixes" this particular problem or not.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;”
Proverbs 3:5
This post has become much longer than I anticipated it being. I guess I just wanted to say again how grateful I am for how far we've come since Reuben was born, and to just reiterate again our faith in the God who brought us to this point and who we believe will continue to be with us every step of the way.
Sometimes we just need a reminder that, although there may be thick grey clouds obscuring our view, the sun is still behind them. It is always at least seeping through and some day every last bit of cloud will clear. For now, let's enjoy the view we have.
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